Work
By Kate Lorenz, CareerBuilder.com Editor
New responsibilities, difficult co-workers or a tough situation can trip up your self-esteem on the job just when you need to be at your best. Here are seven ways to build your confidence and help you take on your day with assurance:
1. Reframe Failure. Don't dwell on past failures or obsess over mistakes. After spending years trying to create an incandescent light bulb, Thomas Edison told a colleague, "I have not failed; I have discovered 1,200 materials that don't work." Know that setbacks are normal and reframe any failure as a learning experience.
2. Remember, It's Not All About You. According to Roger Elliott, who teaches courses and runs a Web site dedicated to building self-confidence, low self-esteem is often accompanied by too much focus on the self. Conversely, individuals who are self-confident are seldom self-conscious. If you're making a presentation, you'll be much more effective if you concentrate on the audience and your message rather than on how you look or sound. Or, if you find yourself ruminating over an unpleasant encounter, you'll feel better and be infinitely more productive if you stop worrying and engage in an activity that absorbs you and holds your attention.
3. Fake It 'Til You Make It. Adopt the posture and body language of the self-assured. Walk tall, smile and make eye contact. Appear calm and in control. Replace any doubts or negative thoughts with the mantra: "I can do this!" Convince yourself that you are self-assured, and you will start to adopt the behaviors and skills of a confident person. Before you know it, your self-image will catch up with your actions and you will no longer have to pretend.
4. Relax. One caution when it comes to step three: People who try to project confidence while still feeling tense, often come across as overly aggressive. Many people find it useful to practice yoga, however if that's not for you, you can also try deep breathing exercises, repeating affirmations such as: "I have strength, serenity and wisdom," or visualizing a peaceful scene or experience.
5. Celebrate Your Successes. If you don't give yourself credit, no one will. Taking time to savor your successes not only feels good, but will help you develop a handy mental list of self-esteem boosting memories to get you through your next confidence crisis.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006
Friday, February 24, 2006
Prem Rawat
You are you. You are so different from everyone else in this world that you would be shocked if you really sat down and started to look at that. You are such an individual. That is hard to imagine because you want to be like somebody else: “I want to be like that person.” Your path, your smile, your understanding, your ideas, your way of looking at things are unique to you. It is the same for everyone, and yet, it is so unique and so different for each person.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Children's books
by Maurice Sendak
- Where the wild things are
- In the night kitchen
- The sign on Rosie's door
- Kenny's Window
- Little Bear & the missing pie
- Little Bear's bad day
Aesop's Fables
Monday, February 20, 2006
Freak Folk...this guys article
Freak FolkWith key additions finally making it to the Rhapslibrary, I can now talk about the Freak Folk (in some circles also being referred to as "Psych folk") movement that the music world's been 'abuzz' about since last year. We left off yesterday with the psychedelic (and unclassified) folk music of the 1960's and 1970's, but that doesn't get us all the way there yet.In the 1990's, there arose a new underground folk ethic that was both a reaction to the louder underground music that was prevalent at the time, and to folk music's tendency to take itself too seriously. Dubbed by Adam Green as Anti-Folk, the artists included Green's (and Kimya Dawson's) The Moldy Peaches, early Beck, Calvin Johnson, and even Ani DiFranco, sharing an affinity for melding folk traditions with punk ethics, penning ironic and sometimes nonsensical lyrics. [Much of the early Elephant 6 collective recordings (specifically early Neutral Milk Hotel, Of Montreal,) it should be noted, reflected some of this trend as well and are of influence.] Coupling this with parts of the alt-country movement (Uncle Tupelo, Freakwater, and especially Will Oldham's version of Americana) and a steady diet of the anti- and psychedelic folk from the 1960's & 70's, young artists began a trend in the 2000's that is now verging on exploding (for indie standards, it has already exploded.) It's permeating into the mainstream with movie soundtracks (Iron & Wine's contributions to Garden State and In Good Company) and, of course, television's The O.C. (Sufjan Stevens.) While the albums by Iron & Wine (Our Endless Numbered Days,) Sufjan Stevens (Seven Swans,) Devendra Banhart (Rejoicing in the Hands,) Joanna Newsom (The Milk-Eyed Mender) and Animal Collective (Sung Tongs) each have garnered an album of the year claim for 2004 from different critic's lists. It's hard to find a credible critic's list for 2004 that didn't have one or more of these releases in it's top 10.Devendra Banhart, 23, is one of the main reasons the phrase 'freak folk' came into being. Devandra (which means "king of gods" in Hindi) sings like a 1930's bluesman with a voice that cracks with tension... combined with this off-kilter visual lyrics it makes for a non-traditional folk experience, hence 'freak.' It's achingly beautiful, though, and full of mystery - much like his life story. For someone so young, he's already spent years wandering and homeless, giving more levity to his earnestness. Never shy about naming his influences, Banhart even coerced his idol Vashti Bunyan out of seclusion to sing on a song "Rejoicing in the Hands." Banhart, to cement his freak folk royalty status, put together the first and (so far) only definitive compilation of the genre with the release Golden Apples of the Sun (which you can listen to in it's entirety here) Joanna Newsom, also 23, is another 'freak' of folk. A self-proclaimed folk harpist (as opposed to classically trained harpist,) her songwriting incorporates elements of indie pop, Appalachian music, avant-garde modernism and is.. well... quirky. Her child-like, helium-flavored voice can either sound soft and sweet or like she’s punching the words out - with a yowl - and more then any other freak folk artist, it creates a polar division - you either love it or hate it. I sit on both sides, refuting my own statement. I'm both drawn and repelled at the same time. She's almost obsessively adored by her fans, and that speaks volumes right there.Animal Collective interweave plenty of acid-laced Brian Wilson harmonies and wackiness into their brand of folk. The band is composed of Avey Tare (aka David Porter) and Panda Bear(aka Noah Lennox) and established their unique brand of folk in New York City in 2000. What followed was a flush of frustrating but captivating rush of recordings, finally leading to their fabulous release, Here Comes the Indian (Paw Tracks, 2003.) It brought the listener to the crossroads of psychedelic, noise, and folk music, with it's acid-fried psychosis, crop-circle field recordings and, at times, absolute chaotic abandon. 2004's Sung Tongs (Fat Cat,) reigned in some of the crazed chaos, and, while still challenging, is quite accessible. It's an odd thrill to find yourself singing along to something that initially feels like it has no structure. This year's EP release (Prospective Hummer, Fat Cat,) continues in the same vein and finds them employing the services of (idol and influence) Vashti Bunyan on a song ("It's You.")Both Iron & Wine and Sufjan Stevens are, in many interpretations, left out of the 'freak folk' genre, instead being lumped into the more traditional 'neo-folk' classificiation. Sam Beam (Iron & Wine) is Florida singer/songwriter whose beautiful lo-fi recordings found their way to SubPop, who signed him and asked for more. Beam sent two albums worth more of his whispered acoustic gems and it was trimmed to one album (the beautiful The Creek Drank The Cradle,) and an EP (The Sea and The Rhythm.) He then transitioned fluidly from the lo-fi sounds of his home to the hi-fi studio sound for, Our Endless Numbered Days, which came out last year to accolades and movie soundtracks. His Woman King EP (still not in Rhapsody - ??) is decidedly less 'freak-folk' sounding, more blues-oriented, which is at least partly due to the further involvement of Brian Deck (Red Red Meat, Califone.)Sufjan Stevens latest release, Illinois (on the top of many best of the year so far lists,) is definitely less freak-folk sounding then previous releases (as it owes as much to classic rock as it does progressive folk,) but still is full of his soulful folk epics. A flurry of disco strings cannot hide what lies beneath. A singer/songwriter/ multi-instrumentalist, Stevens continues his 'states project' having already released his opus to home state Michigan (Greetings From Michigan: The Great Lakes State, Asthmatic Kitty, 2003.) Even though he uses loops, it's abated with lightly strummed guitars and stark banjo picking giving it a rustic northern folk aesthetic. Whether or not it's 'freak folk' is up for interpretation, but for our purposes here, he's in with the freaks. Speaking of freaks, Josephine Foster certainly qualifies as one (it's a term of endearment here, folks.) Foster is a part of the freak folk bands Born Heller and Children's Hour as well has working as a solo artist. She's most often compared to 60's UK folkie Shirley Collins (who you can listen to here.) "Earthen hymns, cosmic madrigals, flapper blues and acid folk are sewn into one luminescent patch" on her solo recordings. It's at times disturbing and wonderous, definitely not for the faint of heart. Truly puts the freak in freak folk. Likewise, Antony & The Johnsons can also be freakish. Lumped into freak folk in part because of Antony's association with Devendra Banhart (Devendra lends vocals to a song on their latest release,) it's also due to the vocal style which is a warbled histrionic affair. The track "The Lake," a musical adaptation of Edgar Allan Poe's poem of the same name, is a chilling piano/cello/guitar-accompanied lament that appeared as well on Banharts compilation, Golden Apples of the Sun. Antony's latest release, I Am a Bird Now, is at the top of many best of the year lists so far.Previously:Freak Folk BeginningsMore:Freak Folk Flies High (SFGate, Thursday, April 14, 2005)The Next American Movement (Paste Magazine, #14)Freak Folk's Very Own Pied Piper (NY Times, December 12, 2004)Devendra Banhart can't listen to his own album (but you should) (Splendid Magazine)Sly, silly with more than a touch of poetry (MSNBC, June 22, 2005)tags: playlist, music, folk music, freak folk
posted by drake leLane @ 12:06 PM 1 comments
1 Comments:
At 12:19 PM, Drake LeLane said...
Freak Folk* "Rejoicing in the Hands" - Devendra Banhart (with Vashti Bunyan)* "Who Could Win A Rabbit" - Animal Collective* "Fever Dream" - Iron & Wine* "Crackerjack Fool" - Josephine Foster* "Angel Band" - Bob Drake* "To Be Alone With You" - Sufjan Stevens* "(Throw On) The Hazard Lights" - The Dirty Projectors* "I Want Wind To Blow" - Microphones* "You May Be Blue" - Vetiver* "Look At What The Light Did Now" - Little Wings* "It's You" - Animal Collective (with Vashti Bunyan)* "I Want To" - Born Heller* "Let It Rain" - Currituck Co.* "Circles of Sorrow" - Jennifer Gentle* "Alley Flowers" - Jolie Holland* "Hammers Sitting Still" - BR. Danielson* "Tea" - Charalambides* "Simon Is Stronger Than Us" - Angels Of Light* "Crumbling Land" - Avey Tare* "Pony Apprehension" - Holopaw* "Sweet Fever" - Scout Niblett* "Before And Again" - Akron/Family* "Little Boy" - The Children's Hour* "Apples, I'm Home" - Adam Green* "The Lake" - Antony and the Johnsons
posted by drake leLane @ 12:06 PM 1 comments
1 Comments:
At 12:19 PM, Drake LeLane said...
Freak Folk* "Rejoicing in the Hands" - Devendra Banhart (with Vashti Bunyan)* "Who Could Win A Rabbit" - Animal Collective* "Fever Dream" - Iron & Wine* "Crackerjack Fool" - Josephine Foster* "Angel Band" - Bob Drake* "To Be Alone With You" - Sufjan Stevens* "(Throw On) The Hazard Lights" - The Dirty Projectors* "I Want Wind To Blow" - Microphones* "You May Be Blue" - Vetiver* "Look At What The Light Did Now" - Little Wings* "It's You" - Animal Collective (with Vashti Bunyan)* "I Want To" - Born Heller* "Let It Rain" - Currituck Co.* "Circles of Sorrow" - Jennifer Gentle* "Alley Flowers" - Jolie Holland* "Hammers Sitting Still" - BR. Danielson* "Tea" - Charalambides* "Simon Is Stronger Than Us" - Angels Of Light* "Crumbling Land" - Avey Tare* "Pony Apprehension" - Holopaw* "Sweet Fever" - Scout Niblett* "Before And Again" - Akron/Family* "Little Boy" - The Children's Hour* "Apples, I'm Home" - Adam Green* "The Lake" - Antony and the Johnsons
My Own Business - Tax Id
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What is a Tax ID or EIN?
An Employer Identification Number (EIN), also known as a Federal Tax Identification Number, is a nine-digit number that the IRS assigns to business entities. The IRS uses this number to identify taxpayers that are required to file various business tax returns. EINs are used by employers, sole proprietors, corporations, partnerships, non-profit organizations, trusts and estates, government agencies, certain individuals and other business entities.
About the Application
This Internet EIN application opens another avenue for customers to apply for and obtain an employer identification number. Once you have completed all necessary fields on the online form, preliminary validation is performed and will alert you to information IRS needs that you may not have included. An EIN will be issued after the successful submission of the completed Form. You will then be able to view and print your Tax ID Number (EIN) online.
Online EIN is available 24/7
No registration is required to use this system
No paper needs to be sent to the IRS
About the EIN IssuedWhile the IRS calls this a provisional EIN, the I-EIN is the permanent Federal Employer Identification number for your business. This I-EIN may be voided if:
The name and SSN of the principal officer do not match SSA records
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Keep A Record of Your ApplicationBe sure to print your SS-4 application after the EIN is assigned and keep a paper copy for your records. You can do this by clicking the "Print Form" button after receiving your EIN.
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the steps involved?1. Provide payment information.2. Complete one page secure online form.3. View your Tax ID instantly online. Also receive an IRS Tax packet in the mail.How long will the process take?Most customers receive their IRS Tax ID in less than 10 minutes. The entire process takes place on the internet with no faxing, phone calls, mailing, and most importantly, no waiting.How many Tax ID's can I apply for?You pay for only one Tax ID. You can apply for as many additional Tax ID's as you like for FREE. You can apply for your free Tax ID's now or at anytime in the future. You will receive a link on your email receipt that you can use anytime in the future for free Tax ID's.Will I receive a receipt for my purchase?Yes. An electronic receipt will be sent to any email address you provide.How will my email address be used?The email address you provide will be used to send the electronic receipt for your purchase only. The email address will not be saved or sold to any third party companies.
What is a Tax ID or EIN?
An Employer Identification Number (EIN), also known as a Federal Tax Identification Number, is a nine-digit number that the IRS assigns to business entities. The IRS uses this number to identify taxpayers that are required to file various business tax returns. EINs are used by employers, sole proprietors, corporations, partnerships, non-profit organizations, trusts and estates, government agencies, certain individuals and other business entities.
About the Application
This Internet EIN application opens another avenue for customers to apply for and obtain an employer identification number. Once you have completed all necessary fields on the online form, preliminary validation is performed and will alert you to information IRS needs that you may not have included. An EIN will be issued after the successful submission of the completed Form. You will then be able to view and print your Tax ID Number (EIN) online.
Online EIN is available 24/7
No registration is required to use this system
No paper needs to be sent to the IRS
About the EIN IssuedWhile the IRS calls this a provisional EIN, the I-EIN is the permanent Federal Employer Identification number for your business. This I-EIN may be voided if:
The name and SSN of the principal officer do not match SSA records
The business has already been assigned an EIN
Keep A Record of Your ApplicationBe sure to print your SS-4 application after the EIN is assigned and keep a paper copy for your records. You can do this by clicking the "Print Form" button after receiving your EIN.
Richard Bolles, author of the world's most popular career-planning and job-hunting book, "What Color is My Parachute?," believes work should be more than just making a living. It should feed the soul as well. Bolles contends our best chance at happiness and success lies in doing work we feel passionate about.
Career expert Laurence Boldt, author of "Zen and the Art of Making a Living," calls it your life's work, and says you can find your calling by asking yourself these questions:
1. Who am I? What do you care deeply about? Your life's work will support your ideals and anchor them in the everyday world of action.
2. How can I serve others? Your life's work is your way of making the world a better place. It's using your interest and aptitudes to make a meaningful contribution to something you care about.
3. What do I love to do? No matter how noble your ideals and aspirations, you must bring joy and innate talent to your work if you are to be truly successful. Think about what you enjoy doing and what you are naturally good at.
4. What would I be willing to dedicate to enough to persist to excellence? Quality and achievement have their price. What endeavors would you be willing to make sacrifices for and give your all to?
Together, these questions should point you toward a path. Once you've identified some possible occupations, Boldt suggests you run them through the following checklist:
Do I have the skills necessary to work in the field? If not, is the amount of training required to gain the skills acceptable?
Would it give me a work environment I could excel in?
Would it allow for maximum expression of my creativity?
Would it provide me with opportunities for continued growth and development?
Would I actually be serving the people I most want to help?
Would I be working with the kind of people who would stimulate, challenge and support me?
Would I earn an acceptable amount of money?
Are the likely trade-offs and sacrifices I would have to make feasible and acceptable?
Matt, 48, was a partner at a major consulting firm when he asked himself these questions. It turned out his calling was to teach math to underprivileged high school students. However, after running through the checklist he realized it would be too traumatic for his family to immediately adjust to life on a math teacher's salary. So Matt developed a plan: he would continue at the firm for five years, during which time the family would aggressively save and budget for a major reduction in cash flow.Today Matt is teaching at an inner-city school. "I've never felt better," he enthuses. "And my family says I'm a lot more fun to be around."
Finding your life's work is often a process of trial and error.
The late management guru Peter Drucker used to caution those just starting out not to panic: "The probability that the first job or career you choose is right for you is roughly one in a million," he'd say. "If you decide your first choice is the right one, you're either extremely lucky -- or incredibly lazy."
If you're unhappy at work, don't just hang out or jump at the first offer that comes along. Take time to get in touch with who you are and what you really want, formulate career goals based on these insights and then plan and conduct a search that will help you realize these goals and find a truly fulfilling work experience.
Kate Lorenz is the article and advice editor for CareerBuilder.com. She researches and writes about job search strategy, career management, hiring trends and workplace issues.
Career expert Laurence Boldt, author of "Zen and the Art of Making a Living," calls it your life's work, and says you can find your calling by asking yourself these questions:
1. Who am I? What do you care deeply about? Your life's work will support your ideals and anchor them in the everyday world of action.
2. How can I serve others? Your life's work is your way of making the world a better place. It's using your interest and aptitudes to make a meaningful contribution to something you care about.
3. What do I love to do? No matter how noble your ideals and aspirations, you must bring joy and innate talent to your work if you are to be truly successful. Think about what you enjoy doing and what you are naturally good at.
4. What would I be willing to dedicate to enough to persist to excellence? Quality and achievement have their price. What endeavors would you be willing to make sacrifices for and give your all to?
Together, these questions should point you toward a path. Once you've identified some possible occupations, Boldt suggests you run them through the following checklist:
Do I have the skills necessary to work in the field? If not, is the amount of training required to gain the skills acceptable?
Would it give me a work environment I could excel in?
Would it allow for maximum expression of my creativity?
Would it provide me with opportunities for continued growth and development?
Would I actually be serving the people I most want to help?
Would I be working with the kind of people who would stimulate, challenge and support me?
Would I earn an acceptable amount of money?
Are the likely trade-offs and sacrifices I would have to make feasible and acceptable?
Matt, 48, was a partner at a major consulting firm when he asked himself these questions. It turned out his calling was to teach math to underprivileged high school students. However, after running through the checklist he realized it would be too traumatic for his family to immediately adjust to life on a math teacher's salary. So Matt developed a plan: he would continue at the firm for five years, during which time the family would aggressively save and budget for a major reduction in cash flow.Today Matt is teaching at an inner-city school. "I've never felt better," he enthuses. "And my family says I'm a lot more fun to be around."
Finding your life's work is often a process of trial and error.
The late management guru Peter Drucker used to caution those just starting out not to panic: "The probability that the first job or career you choose is right for you is roughly one in a million," he'd say. "If you decide your first choice is the right one, you're either extremely lucky -- or incredibly lazy."
If you're unhappy at work, don't just hang out or jump at the first offer that comes along. Take time to get in touch with who you are and what you really want, formulate career goals based on these insights and then plan and conduct a search that will help you realize these goals and find a truly fulfilling work experience.
Kate Lorenz is the article and advice editor for CareerBuilder.com. She researches and writes about job search strategy, career management, hiring trends and workplace issues.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
dr. phil says
Dr. Phil, Relationship GuruNot that he would admit it, but on the day we meet for an interview, the usually indefatigable Dr. Phil McGraw has finally run himself ragged. He's had a whirlwind of TV guest spots, including filling in as host on Larry King Live. That's come on top of the demands of his daytime talk show, which took him to flood-ravaged New Orleans, where he counseled traumatized rescue workers and literally provided a shoulder to cry on. Now he's treating himself to a little R & R by attending tennis matches at the U.S. Open, in New York City, but he just can't seem to unwind. What's a big, tough-talking self-help guru to do? He calls his wife, Robin.
"Phillip said he was feeling a little blue after seeing all the suffering in New Orleans," Robin tells me later. "He asked if I would fly out to be with him." Robin was on the first flight out of Los Angeles. When she shows up, Dr. Phil claims the visit was her idea.
He can be forgiven his little white lie. The private Dr. Phil is a man who feels comfortable asking for love and support when he's feeling needy -- and he knows that his wife will be able to give them. As he explains in his new book, Love Smart: Find the One You Want -- Fix the One You've Got, such trust is one of the essentials of a healthy union, both for dating couples as well as the long married. Returning in part to the subject matter of his 2000 best seller, Relationship Rescue, and to his roots as clinical psychologist Phillip C. McGraw, PhD, he has distilled two decades of counseling experience from his private practice in Texas into a no-nonsense guide to finding the right person, creating a true connection, and sustaining love and respect over the long, difficult road that is marriage. Given the country's perennially high divorce rate, which hovers around 50 percent, it's advice both singles and marrieds are presumably hungry for.
When he isn't busy with his talk show, now in its fourth season, Dr. Phil, 55, loves spending quiet time with Robin, 52, at their palatial Los Angeles home, as well as getting together for golf or tennis with sons Jay, 26, also an author (The Ultimate Weight Solution for Teens), and Jordan, 19, a freshman at Southern Methodist University, in Dallas. Dr. Phil recently spoke about the importance of establishing a respectful relationship right off the bat, how early problems presage later conflicts, and how to mend a marriage that has gone astray.
"I'm Not Your Mother"
Q: What's the most common mistake women make, both before and after saying "I do"?
Dr. Phil: Many women try too hard to be a good sport. They tell their partner what he wants to hear and try to be who he wants, in a go-along, get-along sort of spirit. But by pretending you're one way when you're not, you betray yourself and your partner, and if you end up getting married he's going to feel deceived.
There's another reason why being overaccommodating is absolutely the wrong approach, and I'll tell you why in two words: his mother. She's the most significant woman for any man until he gets married, and even then she's the "other woman" in his life. Mom has nurtured and probably spoiled him, so women inherit a guy who's used to being taken care of and waited on hand and foot. As a result women have to stand up for themselves and redefine the relationship. They've got to tell their husbands, "Hey, I love you, care about you, and want to be with you, but I'm not your mother and this has to be more of a partnership."
The other fact is that a man loves and respects his mom because she has given him guidance and direction. Guys won't admit it, but they secretly like a lot of guidance and direction from the women in their lives. So to be truly effective with your man, you've got to decide who you are -- your strengths and your weaknesses mentally, physically, spiritually, and personality-wise -- and ride that horse all the way to the finish line. We all need to be flexible and to compromise in marriage, but you've got to be true to your core traits and characteristics, what I call your authentic self.
Putting His Money Where His Mouth Is
Q: What about you personally? Have you been able to follow your own advice?
Dr. Phil: When Robin and I were dating, she called me one time and said, "I want to go to my sister's house. Will you take me up there?" I said sure, 'cause I wanted to be the good guy, right? Now the truth is, I ain't big on family. I love my family and spend time with them, but I believe in having my own life and doing my own thing. And I sure wasn't big on her family. I mean, my idea of a good time wouldn't be to drive 100 miles to sit in her sister's house with their kids running around on a Saturday afternoon. I'd rather take a beating. It's nothing against them -- I hadn't even met them -- it's just not my thing.
So I thought about it for about 10 minutes, then called Robin back and said, "I ain't taking you." And she said, "Why not?" And I said, "'Cause there's no point in doing stuff now that I'm not willing to do later, and I won't be willing to do that later. If you want to see your sister, go ahead, and I'll see you when you get back. And I'll tell you what, I won't ask you to go hang out with my sisters, either." So Robin loaded up the car and off she went. Now I've been to her sister's house once in 30 years. I know them and like them and they're good, down-to-earth people. They're certainly welcome in my home, but I still don't want to go spend the weekend there. I just don't want to be around in-laws.
Q: Whoa, now that's frank. Has Robin been equally assertive?
Dr. Phil: Very much so. One of the things she's really had to do in our marriage is stake out her turf as a woman in a house full of men. When both our boys are home, she oftentimes just calls a time-out and says, "Hey! Girl in the room!" She has certain rules -- you don't leave tools or muddy shoes out or stereotypically boy stuff sitting on the kitchen table. She's been very tough about protecting her environment so we all behave like gentlemen.
Q: But despite our best intentions, we're often not honest with ourselves about our own needs, let alone with our significant others. What's the consequence of that?
Dr. Phil: The problem is that you create expectations you can't fulfill. And the research is very clear: What creates the biggest problem in marriage is not what happens once you're in it, it's whether it conforms to what you expected to happen. You want to go into it with your eyes wide open.
Q: Not an easy thing. What sorts of expectations do the most harm?
Dr. Phil: First off, I think there's a lack of real reverence for what's involved. They say that nine out of 10 businesses fail in the first year for two reasons -- underestimating the commitment it takes and the capital it requires. With marriage, it's the same thing. When you're merging two lives, there's going to be a pretty constant pain of adjustment no matter how well suited you are. You're sharing space, time, energy and money. You've got in-laws, kids, religion -- all of these real-world issues -- that you have to consult each other about. And you go, Wait a minute, this ain't what I thought it was going to be so it must be wrong. No, no, no, it's not wrong -- it's just different from what you expected.
Marriage is not a long date. It's a partnership. Partnerships involve give-and-take and sacrifice. Men are really bad about understanding this.
The Future of Marriage
Q: Do you think expectations for marriage today are more or less unrealistic?
Dr. Phil: I think people's ideas about marriage have been pretty static, but the times have changed. We've now got a double-income society where some 70 percent of husbands and wives are both working, and families have adjusted their lifestyles accordingly. So if one parent drops out and stops bringing home a paycheck, there's tremendous financial pressure. The number one complaint divorce attorneys hear about is money pressure. Unfortunately, couples get into dire straits and turn on each other. They're not working on the actual problem -- they're venting frustration and fear at each other.
Q: Many people say that when it comes to marriage, they're seeking nothing less than a soul mate. Is that asking too much?
Dr. Phil: What's a soul mate? It's just a term somebody made up, and with it comes some pretty mystical expectations. I've long believed that if you're looking for that perfect partner you're making a big mistake. If you can find an 80 percent fit and hope that you'll grow together on the other 20 percent, you'll find happiness a lot quicker. You wait for a 100 percent partner and you're going to be looking a long time, maybe forever. But if you're okay on the core issues -- children, careers, division of labor, religion, handling in-laws -- then you jump in and handle the other things as they come along.
Q: Your elder son, Jay, recently became engaged to Erica Dahm, an ex-Playboy playmate. Have they followed your advice?
Dr. Phil: I think Jay and Erica have been very authentic in what they value in their relationship thus far. They started as most people do by going on dates where they were all spruced up and putting their best foot forward. I've often said you should never marry anybody until you've seen each other miserable sick with the flu. They've been together long enough -- more than a year -- and they have.
Q: How significant a role does physical attraction play in finding and staying with a mate?
Dr. Phil: Well, it's an old truth that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears. Beauty does hook a guy at first, and I think this is genetic -- men, we're the hunters, watching for movement and color. I think that's why guys are so fast with the remote control. You know -- move, move, action, action -- I think we're hardwired that way. But physical attraction won't sustain a relationship. What will sustain a relationship is personality: the spirit, the compatibility, the complementary nature between a man and woman.
Q: What if the wife outearns the husband? It's increasingly common, but still a very touchy issue.
Dr. Phil: There are a lot of smart, capable, energetic, self-sufficient women out there -- and many men are hugely intimidated by that, especially if she makes more money, which makes him feel he has nothing to offer her. In a healthy marriage, the woman is able to say, "No, I don't need your money, I don't need your financial support, I don't need you to prop me up in life, but I do need your love and companionship." She can be competent in all those ways and yet convey to her husband that he has a lot to offer her because she feels good when she's around him -- she has a sense of belonging and feels emotionally nurtured. That's particularly important where one partner continues to grow career-wise in a marriage and the other doesn't. It's important to say I need you for things that money can't buy.
Q: Much of your advice is directed at wives, telling them how they can be proactive in their marriages. But many women resent always having to shoulder that burden. Why can't men step up to the plate?
Dr. Phil: It's not that it's the woman who needs to do it, they just happen to be my main audience. If you want to wait for your husband to get smart because you don't want to be proactive, it's okay with me. But if you want to fix your problems now, which is what women are telling me, then I'm going to tell you what you have to do. It doesn't mean that women should have to. It doesn't mean it's fair. But it's what will get results. And no matter who takes the initiative, it takes both husband and wife to work things out. But I'd say the exact same thing to men -- and I do when I talk to them.
Q: How hard should you fight to save a troubled marriage? When's the time to bail out?
Dr. Phil: That's different for every couple, but overall people in America quit too soon. It's tough enough to make a marriage work when both people are leaning way forward, so to speak. If one of them is leaning back, then you've really got a problem. And there are some drop-dead deal breakers: physical abuse, drug addiction, things of that nature. But aside from those, you've got to work on it. Too many people are divorcing these days around the two-year mark, saying marriage just wasn't what they expected and they're worn out. I'd like more of them to just hang in there and wait for that next peak down the road.
Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal magazine, January 2006.
"Phillip said he was feeling a little blue after seeing all the suffering in New Orleans," Robin tells me later. "He asked if I would fly out to be with him." Robin was on the first flight out of Los Angeles. When she shows up, Dr. Phil claims the visit was her idea.
He can be forgiven his little white lie. The private Dr. Phil is a man who feels comfortable asking for love and support when he's feeling needy -- and he knows that his wife will be able to give them. As he explains in his new book, Love Smart: Find the One You Want -- Fix the One You've Got, such trust is one of the essentials of a healthy union, both for dating couples as well as the long married. Returning in part to the subject matter of his 2000 best seller, Relationship Rescue, and to his roots as clinical psychologist Phillip C. McGraw, PhD, he has distilled two decades of counseling experience from his private practice in Texas into a no-nonsense guide to finding the right person, creating a true connection, and sustaining love and respect over the long, difficult road that is marriage. Given the country's perennially high divorce rate, which hovers around 50 percent, it's advice both singles and marrieds are presumably hungry for.
When he isn't busy with his talk show, now in its fourth season, Dr. Phil, 55, loves spending quiet time with Robin, 52, at their palatial Los Angeles home, as well as getting together for golf or tennis with sons Jay, 26, also an author (The Ultimate Weight Solution for Teens), and Jordan, 19, a freshman at Southern Methodist University, in Dallas. Dr. Phil recently spoke about the importance of establishing a respectful relationship right off the bat, how early problems presage later conflicts, and how to mend a marriage that has gone astray.
"I'm Not Your Mother"
Q: What's the most common mistake women make, both before and after saying "I do"?
Dr. Phil: Many women try too hard to be a good sport. They tell their partner what he wants to hear and try to be who he wants, in a go-along, get-along sort of spirit. But by pretending you're one way when you're not, you betray yourself and your partner, and if you end up getting married he's going to feel deceived.
There's another reason why being overaccommodating is absolutely the wrong approach, and I'll tell you why in two words: his mother. She's the most significant woman for any man until he gets married, and even then she's the "other woman" in his life. Mom has nurtured and probably spoiled him, so women inherit a guy who's used to being taken care of and waited on hand and foot. As a result women have to stand up for themselves and redefine the relationship. They've got to tell their husbands, "Hey, I love you, care about you, and want to be with you, but I'm not your mother and this has to be more of a partnership."
The other fact is that a man loves and respects his mom because she has given him guidance and direction. Guys won't admit it, but they secretly like a lot of guidance and direction from the women in their lives. So to be truly effective with your man, you've got to decide who you are -- your strengths and your weaknesses mentally, physically, spiritually, and personality-wise -- and ride that horse all the way to the finish line. We all need to be flexible and to compromise in marriage, but you've got to be true to your core traits and characteristics, what I call your authentic self.
Putting His Money Where His Mouth Is
Q: What about you personally? Have you been able to follow your own advice?
Dr. Phil: When Robin and I were dating, she called me one time and said, "I want to go to my sister's house. Will you take me up there?" I said sure, 'cause I wanted to be the good guy, right? Now the truth is, I ain't big on family. I love my family and spend time with them, but I believe in having my own life and doing my own thing. And I sure wasn't big on her family. I mean, my idea of a good time wouldn't be to drive 100 miles to sit in her sister's house with their kids running around on a Saturday afternoon. I'd rather take a beating. It's nothing against them -- I hadn't even met them -- it's just not my thing.
So I thought about it for about 10 minutes, then called Robin back and said, "I ain't taking you." And she said, "Why not?" And I said, "'Cause there's no point in doing stuff now that I'm not willing to do later, and I won't be willing to do that later. If you want to see your sister, go ahead, and I'll see you when you get back. And I'll tell you what, I won't ask you to go hang out with my sisters, either." So Robin loaded up the car and off she went. Now I've been to her sister's house once in 30 years. I know them and like them and they're good, down-to-earth people. They're certainly welcome in my home, but I still don't want to go spend the weekend there. I just don't want to be around in-laws.
Q: Whoa, now that's frank. Has Robin been equally assertive?
Dr. Phil: Very much so. One of the things she's really had to do in our marriage is stake out her turf as a woman in a house full of men. When both our boys are home, she oftentimes just calls a time-out and says, "Hey! Girl in the room!" She has certain rules -- you don't leave tools or muddy shoes out or stereotypically boy stuff sitting on the kitchen table. She's been very tough about protecting her environment so we all behave like gentlemen.
Q: But despite our best intentions, we're often not honest with ourselves about our own needs, let alone with our significant others. What's the consequence of that?
Dr. Phil: The problem is that you create expectations you can't fulfill. And the research is very clear: What creates the biggest problem in marriage is not what happens once you're in it, it's whether it conforms to what you expected to happen. You want to go into it with your eyes wide open.
Q: Not an easy thing. What sorts of expectations do the most harm?
Dr. Phil: First off, I think there's a lack of real reverence for what's involved. They say that nine out of 10 businesses fail in the first year for two reasons -- underestimating the commitment it takes and the capital it requires. With marriage, it's the same thing. When you're merging two lives, there's going to be a pretty constant pain of adjustment no matter how well suited you are. You're sharing space, time, energy and money. You've got in-laws, kids, religion -- all of these real-world issues -- that you have to consult each other about. And you go, Wait a minute, this ain't what I thought it was going to be so it must be wrong. No, no, no, it's not wrong -- it's just different from what you expected.
Marriage is not a long date. It's a partnership. Partnerships involve give-and-take and sacrifice. Men are really bad about understanding this.
The Future of Marriage
Q: Do you think expectations for marriage today are more or less unrealistic?
Dr. Phil: I think people's ideas about marriage have been pretty static, but the times have changed. We've now got a double-income society where some 70 percent of husbands and wives are both working, and families have adjusted their lifestyles accordingly. So if one parent drops out and stops bringing home a paycheck, there's tremendous financial pressure. The number one complaint divorce attorneys hear about is money pressure. Unfortunately, couples get into dire straits and turn on each other. They're not working on the actual problem -- they're venting frustration and fear at each other.
Q: Many people say that when it comes to marriage, they're seeking nothing less than a soul mate. Is that asking too much?
Dr. Phil: What's a soul mate? It's just a term somebody made up, and with it comes some pretty mystical expectations. I've long believed that if you're looking for that perfect partner you're making a big mistake. If you can find an 80 percent fit and hope that you'll grow together on the other 20 percent, you'll find happiness a lot quicker. You wait for a 100 percent partner and you're going to be looking a long time, maybe forever. But if you're okay on the core issues -- children, careers, division of labor, religion, handling in-laws -- then you jump in and handle the other things as they come along.
Q: Your elder son, Jay, recently became engaged to Erica Dahm, an ex-Playboy playmate. Have they followed your advice?
Dr. Phil: I think Jay and Erica have been very authentic in what they value in their relationship thus far. They started as most people do by going on dates where they were all spruced up and putting their best foot forward. I've often said you should never marry anybody until you've seen each other miserable sick with the flu. They've been together long enough -- more than a year -- and they have.
Q: How significant a role does physical attraction play in finding and staying with a mate?
Dr. Phil: Well, it's an old truth that men fall in love with their eyes and women fall in love with their ears. Beauty does hook a guy at first, and I think this is genetic -- men, we're the hunters, watching for movement and color. I think that's why guys are so fast with the remote control. You know -- move, move, action, action -- I think we're hardwired that way. But physical attraction won't sustain a relationship. What will sustain a relationship is personality: the spirit, the compatibility, the complementary nature between a man and woman.
Q: What if the wife outearns the husband? It's increasingly common, but still a very touchy issue.
Dr. Phil: There are a lot of smart, capable, energetic, self-sufficient women out there -- and many men are hugely intimidated by that, especially if she makes more money, which makes him feel he has nothing to offer her. In a healthy marriage, the woman is able to say, "No, I don't need your money, I don't need your financial support, I don't need you to prop me up in life, but I do need your love and companionship." She can be competent in all those ways and yet convey to her husband that he has a lot to offer her because she feels good when she's around him -- she has a sense of belonging and feels emotionally nurtured. That's particularly important where one partner continues to grow career-wise in a marriage and the other doesn't. It's important to say I need you for things that money can't buy.
Q: Much of your advice is directed at wives, telling them how they can be proactive in their marriages. But many women resent always having to shoulder that burden. Why can't men step up to the plate?
Dr. Phil: It's not that it's the woman who needs to do it, they just happen to be my main audience. If you want to wait for your husband to get smart because you don't want to be proactive, it's okay with me. But if you want to fix your problems now, which is what women are telling me, then I'm going to tell you what you have to do. It doesn't mean that women should have to. It doesn't mean it's fair. But it's what will get results. And no matter who takes the initiative, it takes both husband and wife to work things out. But I'd say the exact same thing to men -- and I do when I talk to them.
Q: How hard should you fight to save a troubled marriage? When's the time to bail out?
Dr. Phil: That's different for every couple, but overall people in America quit too soon. It's tough enough to make a marriage work when both people are leaning way forward, so to speak. If one of them is leaning back, then you've really got a problem. And there are some drop-dead deal breakers: physical abuse, drug addiction, things of that nature. But aside from those, you've got to work on it. Too many people are divorcing these days around the two-year mark, saying marriage just wasn't what they expected and they're worn out. I'd like more of them to just hang in there and wait for that next peak down the road.
Originally published in Ladies' Home Journal magazine, January 2006.
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